Three Phrases That Every Relationship Will Benefit From

Communication can be challenging. We know how important it is, yet it can feel elusive.

The right words rarely show up at the right time when emotions are running high.

I get a lot of questions that start with, “What should I say when…” and while I can’t be there in every situation, this article will give you three of my tried-and-true favorites.

1. Help me understand.

Let’s face it: many problems that arise in relationships stem from communication or, rather, miscommunication. Using the phrase “help me understand” acknowledges the miscommunication without placing blame. It helps couples start a conversation without anyone getting defensive.

2. Thank you.

Research from Drs. John & Julie Gottman found that “Thank you” was the phrase used most often in successful relationships. If you have been here for a while, you know that in January, I decided to run an experiment in my relationship - saying thank you to my husband every day for 30 days. I learned a lot, and I cannot deny that I would have described myself as happier and more content within my relationship both during and after that experiment.

3. When _____ happened, I took it as _____.

Our brains are threat-detecting meaning-making machines. Because of this, they may bring us to conclusions or cause reactions that aren’t based on what is happening but on what has happened in the past (usually, not even in this relationship)! It allows access to a conversation and helps couples understand why they are the way they are. This phrase is one of my favorites for starting a conversation about my behavior. Meaning when I did something, behaved in a way I wasn’t proud of, or when a trigger got the best of me. After taking time to cool down, I return to my husband with this phase, and he can listen without feeling the need to defend his actions.

Communication is vital to every relationship’s success, quality, and longevity (not just your intimate ones). You can use these three phrases with your partner, parents, friends, and even at work. Do you have any go-to phrases? If so, I’d love to hear about them; DM me and let me know.

If you’re curious about making communication in your relationship feel less like work and more like a relaxing sunset walk in the park, check out Invested In Us, my relationship foundations program for couples.