Here are three reasons why talking about your desires are hard…and what to do about it.
1. Deep down inside we are all afraid of rejection.
Whether that fear presents as a stoic IDGAF attitude or a mental list of reasons why you don’t really want that thing/ would be better off if you didn’t get it - you’re afraid of rejection from the one you love. What if they say no? What if they think less of you? What if they leave you? The “What If” Rejection Rabbit Hole is twisted and deep my friends.
2. You have been sitting with this desire for so long, at this point, it almost feels like a necessity.
But since it’s not a sure thing yet, (you are scheming all the ways you can think of to talk your partner into it; begging, bartering, manipulation, and emotional warfare all included.
3. You really want to make them happy, and what if this isn’t something they want?
So often when we fantasize about sharing our desires with our partners we think about telling them and then being met with an enthusiastic, “Hell yes!” That the thought (and often reality) of them having anything other than that reaction is too much to bear. We internalize their reaction as a judgment of ourselves, our character, and our meaning to them.
What to do about it...
1. Learn to see yourselves as individuals.
Relationships 101 will tell you that you are 2 individuals in a relationship, but what does that mean? It means knowing, honoring, and celebrating yourselves for your differences. Not “otherizing” or making each other “bad” or wrong for them. This applies to everything from your dreams to how to load the dishwasher.
2. Learn to hold space and deeply listen.
This is the opposite of listening to respond. Learning to deeply listen and hold space is about being able to hear everything your partner is saying WITHOUT making it mean anything about you. So often when our partners come to us with desires - our first thoughts are either: “What does that mean for me?” Or “How am I supposed to do that?” Or my personal favorite, “Are we breaking up?”
3. De-center yourselves, and center the relationship.
This is a hallmark of successful, thriving safe relationships. It means being able to meet your partner as they are with love and acceptance; not conditionally based on how they make you feel. It means learning to hold yourselves in your difficult emotions in order to create safety and space for each other.
Think about it, what would happen if, for the next 30 days, all your decisions were through the lens of making your partner feel happy, safe, and secure? Do you think it would be easier or harder to talk about your desires?
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